Friday, September 18, 2009

Contacts are for wimps


Once upon a time, not so long ago and in a not so far away land, a mother who was quite a bit exasperated with her little hooligans and thus had some pent up frustration took matters into her own hands when her glasses kept falling down her nose each time she furrowed her brow at her unruly kiddos. In an attempt to rather unprofessionally tighten her eyesight helpers, she squeezed a little harder than she had anticipated (remember: motherly pent up frustration) and snapped the frames. Crack.

In a pickle with 3 unruly munchkins and even greater frustration, the dear mother had 2 choices: pack up everyone and trek to the boonies (seriously, who chooses to go to an eye doctor who is located in the section of town where you make sure you lock your doors...while you are driving?) or fix the dang suckers herself.

Enter in super glue. It must have been invented by a mother...right along with the hot glue gun.

Super glue fixer-upper #1: worked like a charm. The mother was able to see once again and made sure she no longer took her frustrations out of her poor plastic framed glasses. A month passed by...the glasses continued to progressively get looser and looser, falling down every instant she so much as looked sideways. Too embarrassed at this point to take them to the eye center in the boonies, she continued to gingerly tighten them with miniature squeezes. Crack.

Super glue fixer-upper #2: The first glue job was such a success that it had glued the lens to the frame. Unfortunately, the lens was not strong enough and had cracked an eensy bit. No problem for a fixer-upper housewife who was clearly skilled in art of the glue process, though obviously was not skilled in the art of tightening spectacles.

One evening, the mother went shopping for a dress for her sister's wedding and had a wild hair and decided to try on a dress that may or may not be horribly too small for her. As the poor woman tried to shimmy her rather large bodunkadunk into the dress, her arm got stuck beside her face (don't ask me how). In attempt to break free of the clothing's tight-hold on the larger than anticipated mother, her arm inadvertently smacked her in her own delicate face. CRACK! Once the dress released its grip from the visibly shaken woman, she looked rather defeated into the dressing mirror and caught her glasses as they crumbled into her hands. Really broken this time...the super glue had done its job and held the lens in place...the lens had not done its job and had broken right down the middle. Not capable of seeing without help, the larger than expected, dumber than expected, sillier-looking than expected mother made the walk of shame through the mall and drove home with cracked vision.

The next morning, she kicked one kid out at the front of the school and made the drive (with locked doors) to the spectacle store in the boonies. 100 bucks later, and she had a new frame and new lens ordered and plans to do one last glue job while she had to wait the week until the new glasses arrived.

Super glue fixer-upper #3: the glue was now getting low, so she made quick dabs here and there...just enough to hold it together for the last remaining days. Good as new...until the wee one of the family thought it was rather strange that mom had a crack down the middle of her glasses and decided to take a swipe at them for a closer look. Crack.

Super glue fixer-upper #4: the last of the glue. It was a shotty job this time, as the poor mother squeezed with all her might to get the very last drops of super glue around the frame. The glue was becoming quite stringy and messy. She left the frames to dry for a few minutes...she had learned that if she put the frames on too quickly after the super glue job, the fumes would meander to her eyeball and cause her to run screaming to the bathroom for a full blown eye ball flush. It weren't a purdy scene.

Upon putting the glasses to her face once again, the mother realized that there was a very distracting line in her vision on the other lens. Super glue. Somehow, the glue had meandered to the other frame and left a gluey skid mark. Mother then curses her mother for giving her bad eyesight and contemplates taking a hammer and the glasses out on a walk.

Morale of the story: Don't use super glue when duct tape will work just fine.

14 comments:

Sarah on September 18, 2009 at 6:17 PM said...

LOL....very funny and very true.

Anonymous said...

FUNNY! I can not stop laughing!! Love You! Beth

Amber Schmidt on September 18, 2009 at 7:37 PM said...

oh my... I nearly peed myself! That is truly hilarious!

Kayla on September 18, 2009 at 7:45 PM said...

Too funny. I can't image the looks that mother is getting with a lens crack down the middle.

Abi Tucker on September 18, 2009 at 8:43 PM said...

This had me laughing so hard! lol

Bekah on September 18, 2009 at 9:07 PM said...

Oh wow...I laughed to the point of tears. My co-workers all think I'm insane now!

Jill on September 18, 2009 at 10:44 PM said...

Hysterical! Okay... slightly funny. Hitting a little too close to home for another mom who also waited a little too long to order replacement glasses. LOVE your story telling!

Texas Mom on September 18, 2009 at 10:44 PM said...

Seriously... you have got to write books! This was toooooo funny! Loved it!

April and Robert on September 19, 2009 at 12:05 AM said...

Hysterical! This mother would need glasses to see her glasses that needed the glue.

His Mercy Endureth Forever on September 19, 2009 at 1:24 PM said...

ROFL...You do have a way with words!

Verna on September 19, 2009 at 6:58 PM said...

Wow, I have never tried super glue, tho I dared to use it on a cap from a tooth that came loose.

Without my glasses I can see nothing, I would have had glue all over the lense.

This post makes me smile. How we all try to fix things and save money, yet have to suffer and put up with the consequences in the mean time.

I can relate to the area of town, having to lock your doors to drive thru... Our work had been located in such a place before we moved.

Next time I need something glued I'll have to ask for your assistance. :)

Anonymous said...

Amber,
Please let me submit this to the Florida Times Union! Please...You could be a millionaire!
Love,
Nina

Jodi on September 19, 2009 at 10:52 PM said...

I know I already said this on FB, but the exact same thing happened to me. It was about the third time I glued mine that I managed to not only get a big old blob of glue on the glasses but also glue my thumb to the lens. Yes, I did! I manged to get my thumb detached but left a huge thumbprint right in the middle of the lens. Acetone didn't work easily, but soaking in acetone while periodically scratching at it with my thumbnail eventually got most of it off.
You told it so well, Amber. I know I don't comment much, but you make me laugh all the time. Pretty much every time you use the word bodunkadunk. (Did I spell it right? It's not so much used here in our part of the world - LOL!)
All the best!

Anonymous said...

Great story! I fear you gave up too soon on the repair project, tho. Frugality, my dear! You must work on your precision gluing skills. :)
Love Pawpaw

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